At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
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Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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