if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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