There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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