That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
