her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
