Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
