is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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