i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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