Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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