and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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