I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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