dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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