Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
