in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
