My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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