it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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