i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
