If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
