god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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