Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
