tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
