There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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