I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
