Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
