He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
