Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
