kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sorry about my life...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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