I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
