Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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