Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
