I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
In America we eat man semen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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