It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
