If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
