Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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