So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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