you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
