mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
