Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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