It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
