Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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