Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
