so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
