Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
