wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
