We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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