When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's official drugs can't kill me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
