everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
