I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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