I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
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I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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