what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
