Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
