Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sobbing to NWA
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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