Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
