Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
