I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
