Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
