There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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